"[This book] embodies the Buddhist wisdom about change, life, and the
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May 30, 2007

ON FAUX-TOGRAPHY

On May 14, New York magazine ran a brilliantly reported story on an online scandal that has roiled New York’s young socialite circle. The piece, by a budding young talent named Isaiah Wilner, offers this keen observation about how pictures and the Web have heightened the already sociopathic self-obsession that characterizes some members of the young aristoclass:

“The charity circuit, once a bastion of breeding and privilege, has transformed itself, in the days since 9/11, into a kind of reality show. Running from September through May (and ending with the Met’s Costume Institute Benefit Gala, which takes place this week, on May 7), the parties raise funds but also provide an extended publicity campaign for young women who seek to become famous. They compete in a gossip free-for-all played out in tabloids and on the Internet. In this mediated world, public image cuts dangerously close to private reality, and it is considered an honor to have one’s photograph rudely dissected on a Website.

“The business of rising from social girl to professional celebrity was put into overdrive five years ago by Paris Hilton. Rising alongside digital cameras and photo blogs, she constructed a life based on hype and a pretty face. What a strange fascination this young girl has with getting her picture taken, thought David Patrick Columbia, editor of the New York Social Diary Website, as he watched her gyrate for Southampton cameramen. Now he reflects, “It turned out to be a major career! She’s a multi-million-dollar personality, and it’s all because of having her picture taken—nothing else. She is the equation.”

ON OTHER FAUX-TOG FRONTS…

Now come pictures taken last Sunday, and posted on the Web site X17, of Lindsay Lohan passed out and vomiting. (Talk about a paparazzi pile-on: the poor lass was arrested only hours before, for driving under the influence and substance possession.) Next, hot on her stilletto heels, are British tabloid reports, in tomorrow’s edition of Metro.co.uk, of Britney Spears caught vomiting as well. Perhaps the Brits have confused Linds and Brits? Blimey. Next thing you know, they’ll be shipping Paris off to the hoosgow.

Well, not so fast. The next thing you know is precisely this: The U.K. Sun is now reporting that sometime Lohan Man, Calum Best (son of soccer legend George Best), has been allegedly photographed allegedly doing cocaine with two alleged hookers in an alleged hotel room. DA PICTURES DON’T LIE.

OR DO THEY? Perhaps we’ve now gone beyond what even Evelyn Waugh would’ve considered the Outer Locust Limits. Is it possible, just possible, that the incessant lenses of the paparazzi and the ubiquity of cell-phone cameras, coupled with the ease of posting photos on blogs, have somehow driven these spoiled brats -- and all of America -- utterly off the freaking deep end?

ON A LIGHTER NOTE…

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Last week, New York Post media columnist Keith Kelly shrewdly spotted In Touch magazine’s sleight of hand when the publication chose to airbrush its cover photo of Angelina Jolie, removing the unsightly veins in her right hand and forearm. Next up, they’ll erase the tattoos, the luscious lips, and the hypnotic, compassionate gaze of the committed humanitarian -- the very attributes that make us go all gooey for her.

And Men’s Fitness magazine, newly relieved of its top editor, beheaded tennis champ Andy Roddick, or so it seemed, placing his noggin on the buff torso of someone Roddick himself couldn’t even recognize.

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“Little did I know I have 22-inch guns and a disappearing birthmark on my right arm,” Roddick remarked on his blog, so Kelly noted, citing TMZ.com. “I saw the cover….and did a total double-take….Whoever did this has mad skills.”

And so go the photo woes. Disfiguring and defacing celebrities has hit epidermic proportions. Congress should pass a law: Henceforth, Photoshop can only be used on politicians. Priority #1: Since Congress hasn’t been able to rid us of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales (despite devoting days of televised hot air to the task), let magazine and newspaper editors airbrush him into oblivion.

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THIS JUST IN....(June 1) Now, so Radar Online reports, Jennifer Aniston has been digitally dithered by The Star. The question: Why would an art director waste his or her time doing this? Or, more germane, why would a blogger waste his time writing about an art director wasting his time doing this? The answer: I'm reminded of the rude joke about self-pleasuring felines, which I won't relate here, but which has the punchline: "Because they can.")

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